Limbo Land Blues
You know that feeling you get when you thought your life was pretty much sorted and then suddenly its not? Something happens to throw everything into disarray and you need to re-evaluate plans in the context of this new state of being. I used to think I was a pretty easy going, flexible and in fact preferred life to be filled with unpredictable situations to keep it fresh and exciting.
Whilst I still appreciate the random nature of the cosmos, I’ve realised that I have a definite need to have control over my life. The thing is, I’ve spent so long making decisions just for myself, now that I have a family I feel a little crippled by the potential ramifications of each and every decision, how they will affect our relationships and future opportunities. I guess you could say I’ve become a bit of a control freak and perhaps not very good at acquiesing to others visions of the future that I’ve not really considered.
Part of the problem is that I haven’t really decided where I sit on the stay-at-home mum vs career mum scale and therefore I am constantly waging an internal battle to satisfy both my maternal instincts and my intellectual fulfilment. I think if I could work part-time in an interesting company, I’d be quite happy but decent jobs don’t come up all that often in our corner of rural Wales. We made a decision to move down here from London as we felt it would be a nice environment to bring the Squigglet into the world, but I don’t think I thought much past the first year and now that she is 19months old and we are again at a crossroads as a family, I really don’t know which path is the right one.
I’ve been a bit of a nightmare of the last week,(sorry Io) I just can’t seem to snap out of this gloomy mood. At the same time an opportunity has come up for a great job back in Dubai where I used to live and based on our current situation I felt like I needed to apply for it, both for financial and career reasons. I am in turmoil over this, partly because I can’t really envisage how we would function there. I’d be engrossed in the working world and although I will love the job and the warmth, I wont help but wonder if my little girl will resent me for it. Io will be designated stay at home dad, which he will certainly love but going from Rural Wales to an air-conditioned desert apartment may be a bit too much to ask, even if he can spend days with Rhi at the pool and all sorts of fantastical kids attractions – indoor snowpark or Dolpin petting anyone?
But then, in the last few days since I have been pondering this predicament quite a few new and exciting possibilities have come our way so it just goes to show that my panic pants impatience to be ‘sorted’ were a hell of my own making and actually things are going to be fine, whatever we decide to do. I need to calm down and stop yearning for intangible ideals and remember to live in the moment, because joy is in the little things that happen every day.